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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

Not long ago I wrote about eliminating light from my bedroom so that I can sleep in total darkness, and the hopes that I would reap some of the alleged benefits from sleeping that way.  Almost immediately I could tell a difference in how deep I slept.  It’s kinda hard to explain, but sleeping this way now lets me know by contrast just how light I was sleeping before, drifting in and out of sleep, getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom once or twice a night, tossing and turning.  Now, a few minutes after I turn out the lights I’m gone, like dropping into a deep dark hole for solid hours and hours.  When I wake up in the morning I’m in a bit of a daze because I’m climbing out of a deep sleep without the benefit of sunlight, but once I turn on the lights and get moving, I know– I’ve been ASLEEP!  And I feel recharged!

And the dreams!  I’m not sure if sleeping this way lets me dream more vividly, or if I’m just dreaming in a deep slumber right up until waking now as opposed to shifting from deep to light sleep before waking, or maybe some combination of them both, but I’m loving it.  I’ve always had vivid dreams that I remember here and there in the past, but now it feels like just about every morning I awake with at least a good chunk of a dream remembered, letting me reflect on it in the shower and on the drive into work.

Last night’s dream was nice, starring my ex but it was like traveling through time back to when we first met 20-some years ago– the “happy days.”  Thinking back on the dream this morning was funny, how young we both were in the dream–just kids really–crazy about each other.  And it got me thinking… Sometimes now and then as I ponder the long, slow wreckage of our marriage, I question whether she ever really, truly loved me, or whether she was in love with the idea of being in love with me… or maybe was just settling on me as a safe and steady choice.  And the thought of not ever really having someone head over heels in love with me… made the romantic soul in me very sad.

But the dream… I know it was just a dream, but it felt very real as opposed to accurate, and the emotions and things that happened in the dream captured the spirit of the our situation all those years ago.  No, it wasn’t perfect, and it certainly didn’t end the way one would have hoped… but the dream reminded me, deep in my gut, that for a while there… she really did love me, head over heels.  Which makes me glad.

Funny how the brain works when you let it…

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This dream is just too funny…

I all too rarely have erotic dreams, sadly… but what’s even more sad is that when I do have one my subconscious usually finds some way to fuck it up before it can get to the good stuff.  I wake up with a hard on and irritated with myself.  Seriously, subconscious?!  As if my waking life wasn’t sad enough in the romance and sex department, I can’t even catch a break in my freaking dreams?!

Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with a female friend I know online.  I recall thinking “wow, this is cool that we’ve gotten to meet in real life, and we’re getting along great!”  So we’re going along, enjoying each other’s company, when I get a sense that she wants me to kiss her.  Now, in the past, my usual response to this sort of thing in real life is “nah, that’s just wishful thinking on my part…”  But I’m an older man now, and heck this is a dream, so I go for it… and it turns out that she did want to kiss me!

So we start making out, and things begin to get hot and heavy, clothes are coming off… and suddenly I start feeling sad, and thinking “man, everyone else always gets the girl...” and I get up and quietly leave the room to the lovebirds…  I walk out of the cabin a large group of us are staying in, go to the fridge, get a beer and step outside into the night air.  I imagine what those two are doing in the bedroom, jealous and sad…

…And suddenly realize– wait a minute, that’s ME in there with her!  So why in the hell am I out here?  I mean, it’s bad enough that my subconscious (not to mention real life) usually finds a way for someone else to get the girl, but this time I actually GET the girl and I can’t even enjoy it first hand!  WTF?!?!

I wake up with a hard on, irritated with myself… but this time I just have to laugh out loud at how absurd my subconscious can be!

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Sometimes I have these amazing vivid dreams, sometimes they’re weird, and sometimes they’re sweet.  Recently I had a sweet one.  I was at some sort of awards ceremony or graduation-type thing; in the haze of dreamland it’s not clear exactly what’s going on but I’m there, dressed up, alone. I was getting restless and about to leave early when I heard a name announced that sent a jolt of electricity through me, the name of an old love. I looked to the center aisle to see her, to see if it was indeed my Steph.  When she came into view my breath stopped, my heart sped up. It was her, grinning and walking quickly to accept her award/diploma or whatever it was. Her eyes swept the crowd and suddenly locked with mine.

She came up short, her eyes widening, as startled to see me as I was to see her. That chemical connection crossed the space between us, leaving my skin tingling and flush. Her grin broadened, but then she suddenly realized where she was, looked forward then back at me. I nodded for her to go on and she did, still smiling as hugely as I suddenly realized I was.

I made my way to the back of the auditorium, where I somehow knew she’d be passing. As the crowd of people walked by, it was as if they were transparent– again, our eyes locked, the connection leaped between us. She walked up to me and stood there, looking at me.

I took her in. God, she looked good. Tall, nearly as tall as me, with incredibly long legs, dancer’s legs. Her light brown hair was pulled back but long, flowing down half of her back. Her smile illuminated her lovely face, the high cheekbones, those luscious lips. I vividly recall our first kiss in her car as she dropped me off one night from the movies, those lips every bit as full as Angelina Jolie’s, so incredibly soft. The kind of kiss that stops space and time. The urge to kiss her now was incredibly powerful, but instead I pulled her into a hug. Her body felt perfect in my arms.

(more…)

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Tall, dark stranger

My car sputters and cuts out, and I start it back up.  I glance in the rearview mirror and see a van up close to my bumper, with the driver angrily shouting something I can’t hear and waving her arms around.  I wave apologetically, and drive on… and suddenly have to brake for a squirrel darting across the road.  The damn engine sputters out again — I gotta get that idle fixed — and I glace back again.  The driver looks resigned now– she’s not shouting or waving around, her lips pressed tightly together like she’s trying hard to be civilized.  Perhaps she realizes I’m having some engine problems.  Or maybe she’s giving me props for not running down a scampering fellow mammal.

I start the car back up, drive a little ways and then turn into my neighborhood.  She follows behind me.  Glancing in the rear view mirror I see she’s leaning to the side, her arm in the window with her fist jammed into her cheek.  Her long dark brown hair partially covers her face.  I step on it to try and make sure I’m not delaying her too much.  As I park my car I see she pulls her van into a parking spot at a neighboring house.  Glancing in the side mirror I see her hop out of the van and job up to the door.  I notice she’s tall, wearing well-worn jeans and a button-down men’s shirt.  I get out of the car and see that she’s glanced back at me and we make eye-contact… but in the time it takes for me to contemplate waving to her she’s gone inside.

I pause for a moment, considering.  I’ve never seen her before, but apparently she’s a new neighbor?  And this is how I make a first impression.  In a flash of inspiration I reach back into my car, fish out a pen and paper and walk to her van.  Hell, she’s probably got a boyfriend but it wouldn’t hurt to write something funny and witty to turn around the awkward circumstances of our first contact.  I take a moment to compose just the right thing to say in my mind and get about halfway through writing it.

“Are you writing me a note?”  My heart leaps into my throat, so lost in thought I didn’t even notice her coming back to the van before she’s right there next to me.  She’s pulled her long dark hair back in a pony-tail, and her pale eyes look right into mine.  She’s got a quirked half-smile on her lips.  Her skin is dark, tanned, but from some hispanic heritage rather than too much time in the sun.

I smile back to her and take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.  “Give me a minute?” I ask, and she purses her lips, amused.  I finish scribbling the note, fold it, and walk around her to tuck it under the van’s windshield wiper.  I step back as she leans over, plucks it out, and gives it a quick read.  Her face is blank but as she looks back into my face I can see her eyes twinkle.  I realize that she really is tall, almost exactly my height looking straight back at me.  She folds the note and tucks it into her back pocket.

“Bennie, huh?  Sorry I was a bit impatient back there.  Can I offer you a drink?”  She nods towards her front door.  “Sure,” I reply and follow her into her house.

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP

There’s a moment of vertigo, confusion, and my hand reaches out to hit the snooze button.  I get my bearings, rub my eyes.

I can see the woman clear as day in my mind– dark hair, dark skin, pale green eyes, standing right next to me, the smile on her face.  The dream was vivid, the details clearly etched in my mind.

FUCK!

I look at the alarm clock, that heinous villain, and curse my damn luck.  Why couldn’t this morning be one in which I’d forgotten to set the alarm the night before?  I’d have gladly overslept to see where that tall, dark lady stranger would have led me.

I realize the snooze button has given me 9 minutes reprieve, so I quickly lay back, close my eyes, and summon the woman back into my mind.  I replay the scene, drift off to sleep… but I can’t get back there to see where things go.  The subconscious brain-chemistry moment is gone.

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