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Archive for the ‘My Ideal Woman’ Category

I remember when I first heard about the Beer, Bourbon and BBQ Festival last year and was totally bummed I was working that weekend and really couldn’t afford to take the day off to go.  Now, I’m not nearly as into partying and eating as I used to be back in the day, but I do really like bourbon and really like BBQ, and the thought of spending the afternoon tasting bourbon and eating BBQ, listening to live music and checking in with seminars about how bourbon is made sounded freaking awesome to me.

So when I heard that it was coming up again this year, in June– the month that I’m finally able to not work on Saturdays anymore and can actually have the time and money to go to something like this– I was super-stoked!  My plot was to have everyone pile into my van, go sample bourbon and BBQ all afternoon, and take a taxi back to my house where we can sober-up or just continue the party, depending on whatever mood we were in.  I mean, to me it seemed like a can’t miss, good time right?

Sadly… I’ve not been able to rustle up anyone to go.  I had a couple friends I thought for sure would want to go, but they passed.  I put the event up on Facebook figuring maybe I’d get a surprise nibble of interest.  Zip.  Going alone sounds depressing, so I suppose I’ll be looking for something else to do this Saturday.

Here’s hoping the next woman in my life will enjoy going out to festivals and having fun like this, even spur-of-the-moment, because I’m not sure I’ve got a circle of friends who I can count on to do these sorts of things with.

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Wow, today kinda snuck up on me—My Ideal Woman is one year old!  I’m actually glad I didn’t totally miss it—some of you may have noticed I haven’t really updated in a while.  These past few weeks have been a brutal combination of being insanely busy and insanely stressful, and the combination of mental drain and preoccupation on various worries has left little room for musings on life, love and happiness.  Thankfully, things have finally started falling into place, lists are being checked off, and while I’m still holding my breath a little bit, I think everything’s going to be okay.  One thing I do know—I’m really, REALLY looking forward to the housewarming/birthday throw-down I’ve planned in June.  I really need some epic fun…

So… May 26th, 2011 I put up my very first blog post.  I was inspired to give blogging a try by two women I’ve never met face-to-face, but had gotten to know over the internet.  The first was Rachel M., who I followed on Livejournal for a while.  A superb writer, I found her posts engaging—sometimes funny, sometimes heartbreaking.  In her I saw a bit of a kindred-spirit, and I always found myself cheering her on, hoping for things to go her way, and hitting the comment button to offer condolences when they didn’t.  Eventually she left Livejournal and started a blog, Toughbunny.

The second was MJ, a woman I met online through our mutual love of a collectible card game.  I write a weekly column about the game, and one day out of the blue she emailed me a sketch of something I’d written about in my column, something I’d imagined and wish I’d had a picture of.  We sent some emails back and forth, followed each other on Twitter, friended each other on Facebook.  Again, I saw in her a bit of a kindred-spirit in things we’d both experienced in life, and then one day she started up a blog as well, Moxy MTG.  Her writing was whip-smart and funny, and I enjoyed reading everything she put up.  She’s also an incredibly artist, and she was sweet enough to draw up the banner art that tops this blog.

It occurred to me after Rachel and then MJ started their blogs that blogging offered a much better way to reach out to a larger audience than Livejournal did.  I’d been doing a ton of writing for a long time about that collectible card game, and while I love writing about it, the audience for that writing is pretty niche.  When friends or family wanted to know if I’d written anything lately, I could show them that stuff, but they wouldn’t understand whether it was funny or interesting unless they were into that game (and most are not).  I make some money on that writing, but if I were ever to get to my goal of writing for a living, I’d very likely need to show that I can write other things as well.

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If you’ve clicked on my About Me tab, then you know I’ve got a motto:

LOVE DEEPLY
BE KIND
DO GOOD

I think it’s good to have a motto.  It boils everything down to the primal things that you think are most important in living your life.  It gives you a core idea of who you are, fundamentally, and why you think you’ve been given this life.

If you’re looking for someone to share you life with, it seems ideal that she’d share your motto, or at least be compatible with it.  Not that I think anyone but the most cynical people could really argue with my motto, but I’d want these words to resonate with her, to connect with her on a deeper level.  I want these words to feel right to her.

LOVE DEEPLY

I sprinkle my thoughts on love throughout posts on this blog, and wrote specifically about it in my post …She’d Be a Hopeless Romantic.  For me, love is what living is all about.  Everything else is just superficial bullshit that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.  Money, possessions, your job, your bills, the daily stresses of living– all that stuff is just window dressing.  None of it is why we’re here, living this life right here and right now.  We’re here to love, to give love and to receive love.  Love is an endless well of feeling that never runs dry, so why be stingy with it?  In fact, the more love you give, the more love you have… so give often and give deeply!

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While reading various blogs about singledom and dating, I often run across these “non-negotiables” lists.  The bloggers draw out these lines in the sand, and if someone fails to stay within the lines, they are not worth dating or loving.

Really?

My friend Courtney wrote an awesome guest blog on Simply Solo called When He Cheats, about finding the strength to forgive.  In reading the comments, quite a few people said, more or less,  “I would never be able to forgive, I’d never be able to trust him again.”

Seriously?

I have to admit I find this sort of rigidity perplexing.  Yes, I understand having a mental list of what you want in a mate– after all, my blog is called My Ideal Woman, so I’m familiar with the concept!  But I think too many people get what they want in a mate confused with what they need.  Sure, I could picture what I may want my ideal woman to look like physically, and I could even sketch out a laundry list of personality traits that would indicate we’d be perfect soul mates.  I’ve written a ton of blog posts doing just that.  But honestly now, those are just wants.  They are hardly non-negotiables.   What people need are the big ticket items:  someone you love and who loves you, someone who’s relatively sane, someone who’s not wanted by the law.  Things like that. (more…)

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One of the most frustrating things about being recently single is trying to get into people’s heads that I’m a) single and b) looking to socialize.  I’m not really in a position right now to be actively dating per se, but I’d like some human interaction outside of work.  Like, it’s so frustrating to hear about a party or get-together that was so much fun and realize that you could have totally been there if anyone had bothered to let you know about it.

A lot of it is my own fault of course.  I was married to woman for many years who withdrew from nearly all social contact in favor of nesting at home with the kids, and while I did my best to keep in touch and do stuff with friends and family whenever I could, it wasn’t nearly enough.  People move on with living life, and if you’re unavailable too many times you get mentally shifted to the basement of their thoughts.

I really, really hate being there, especially now that I’m trying to reach back out and engage again.  It’s like 10 years of muck I’m trying to pull myself out of, desperately waving and trying to get people’s attention.  I’m here!  I’m here!

My life situation right now doesn’t help things either.  I’m living in a house alone while paying child support for two kids, and so I’ve got to work a full and part-time job to make ends meet.  I work a lot, and there’s not much wiggle room for spur-of-the-moment activity except for late at night on the weekends.  I get off work at 11pm, and while I’m usually up for fun afterwards, I can’t seem to plug into anything that might be going on at that time of night, at least not with anyone that I know.

It’s why Quite a Momentous Week was one of my favorite posts, because it details what’s probably the highlight of my pathetic social life over the past decade.  That was back in  August… I’d really like to have those sorts of evenings a little more often!

I am working to change things on my end.  Working on refinancing the house to pull down the monthly payment some will help.  I’m also trying to find a roommate to live in my house with me.  Then I’ll be able to cut back on my part-time hours a bit and actually open up some time to be sociable more in line with people with less insane schedules.

In the meantime… I’m going just a little bit stir crazy…  though it is giving me time for writing eh?

The next woman in my life, I hope we can maintain the desire to go out and do stuff, as well as having people over to just hang out, maintain and build friendships.  While I value that nice alone time you have with the one you love sometimes, I don’t want to ever have to dig out of this sort of hole again.  I want people to feel comfortable dropping by, or calling to extend invitation to stuff going on.  I want to know that I’m a little higher up in people’s thoughts than this dusty old basement.

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No, not like the movie A Beautiful Mind… I mean a beautiful mind.  One that’s smart, witty, creative, fun, and sometimes twisted.

There are some TV shows that I watch that are so good, I want to watch them with someone, see her reactions, and then discuss her thoughts on what’s going on, what the characters are thinking, and where she thinks the story is going.  I get some of that with my BFF Kim on the shows Fringe and The Walking Dead, but we’ve only got an hour over lunch every other week or so and there are other things to talk about and catch up on (life, etc.), and the waiting between lunches kills me!

There are movies that are that good too, loaded with subtext, where the characters don’t necessarily just blurt out exactly what they’re thinking and feeling.  The kind of movies you want to talk about with someone who’s just seen it too.

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The other day my iPod shuffled up “Down At The Twist and Shout” by Mary Chapin Carpenter, and it kind of choked me up.  I’m not sure why– there aren’t any particular memories tied in with that song– but it just overwhelmed me with emotion.  Nostalgia, sadness, joy, hopes and dreams…

Saturday night and the moon is out
I wanna head on over to the Twist and Shout
Find a two-step partner and a Cajun beat
When it lifts me up I’m gonna find my feet
Out in the middle of a big dance floor
When I hear that fiddle wanna beg for more
Gonna dance to a band from a-Lou’sian’ tonight

I first became aware of Ellen Barkin in the movie Sea of Love (with Al Pacino), and was totally blown away by her incredible sexiness, so I began watching some of her earlier movies.  I ran across one set in New Orleans called The Big Easy, and for kicks decided to buy some Cajun food — which I’d never had before — to cook up and eat for dinner while watching the movie on the VCR.

As I ate the spicy food and was marveling at the fantastic flavors (even from the store-bought box version of the food), I started the movie– the opening is an aerial shot of the New Orleans bayou as the zydeco band Beausoleil plays “Zydeco Gris Gris.”  I was totally blown away by the unique sound of zydeco and its high energy.  Something about the food and the music just latched into my heart.  Over the next couple years I found local and nearby Cajun festivals to go to, where I could eat real, freshly prepared Cajun food and listen to wonderful zydeco along with all sorts of other great New Orleans music.

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