The vast majority of Valentine’s Days in my life as an adult have been spent single, and yet I’ve always loved the holiday. If you’re a regular reader – and if you are, I apologize for being mostly absent these past months (more on that later) – you know I’m a hopeless romantic. If I’m with someone, I like to give her little mini-Valentines throughout the year (just goofy “I love ya” stuff), but on Valentine’s Day it’s time to make a special effort, and I love it. The years when I’m not with someone, I usually spend Valentine’s Day thinking about past loves and daydreaming about some future love yet to have walked into my life. Whatever loneliness I feel is typically drowned out by the eternal optimism that is my modus operandi.
This time around… I’m not feeling it. At. All. In fact, all the shiny happy couples that I’m constantly bouncing against throughout each day and night, in person and on social media, have become oppressively irritating, rubbing away my optimism smile by smile. Valentine’s Day this year just takes that irritation I’ve been feeling and turns it up to 11.
I think the shift in feelings is due to the realization that being alone is something I’ve got to live with for at least 3-4 more years due needing to work full and part-time jobs to take care of my kids and maintain my house (once the kids are in high school my financial obligations ease a bit). So between working and the time I get to visit with my kids, that usually leaves one day or evening a week that I’m free to be social. How am I supposed to meet and court someone special one weekend day/evening a week? I tried and it doesn’t work.
So add that on top of the 4 years since my ex and I split, and the 4-5 years of being emotionally alone while married, and that’s a long fucking time.
I think my “glass half-full” optimism has always been driven by the hope that things are going to get better soon. And while life is full of ups and downs, in general I do think things generally improve. I’m happy with a lot of different parts of my life. But recently I’ve had to admit to myself that romance, love, partnership is just not in the cards—that desolate stretch of emptiness goes on for the foreseeable future. And that fucking sucks. It pisses me off, and makes it tough to maintain the smiles and optimism that I’m known for.
I started this blog when my ex and I separated as a way to mentally keep me from becoming that bitter divorcé that so many people fall into after breaking up with their spouse. I used it to document and reflect on past loves, and to ponder what future love might bring. Well, after three and a half years of writing the well of actual real life love experiences is tapped out (not that it was very deep to being with). And except for one all too brief exception, there has been no new love experiences to write about… and it’s become hard to even imagine when or if future love will come around. I would write “My Ideal Woman…” posts as an ode to a future love I knew would come around eventually. Now, I’m pretty sure she’s not. Not for a long, long time.
This blog was born out of optimism towards women, love and relationships. That optimism is gone now. That’s why I haven’t really been feeling up to writing. Well actually, I’ve still wanted to write, but each time I sat down to write something it’s always been negative. People don’t want to read negative shit, especially not from me—I’ve always felt that my positivity is what drew people to read my blog. But I felt that I owed you guys some sort of explanation since I know from my own experiences following blogs it kinda sucks when they just… stop.
I don’t want things to stop here… I’ll do my best to think of interesting and positive things to write about going forward… but the source material for most of what I’ve written here so far is a dried up well, so let’s keep our fingers crossed I can find something else worth writing about.
Funny thing Ben, we have about the same lonely- and post-relationship timeline. Difference is I have dated lots, you have not. We are both in same place at the end of the day. Maybe it doesn’t matter what kind of path one takes. Could it be more about the time being right to be able to commit self to love? I have a few friends that decided not seek out dates until kids are in high school. Just too busy to stretch that far
…and I’m with you on writing the depressing blog posts, but glad to see you 🙂
Thanks for sticking around, Silly! Good luck on your new adventure, and ofc the quest for companionship. I know you’ll find it– I’m pretty sure “dating lots” will tend to move you towards finding a good catch much faster than “dating none” 😉
I don’t know about that! Seems many people happen to come across the right one pretty quick 🙂
Don’t they? My dad — someone who had a real horrible track record treating women — was never alone and got three women to marry him. I know lots of other people too that so easily bounce from relationship to relationship like finding someone is no big deal. Baffling…
Since the passing of my husband just 4 months ago, I find that I feel sad when I see couples, (especially my friends) now. I’m happy for them but feel a tug at my heart too. This is the first Valentine’s in years…maybe 56 years because my step-father always gave us cards on Valentine’s Day and 52 years that I was with my boyfriend aka my husband ~ that I had nothing in the mail box or on the dining room table on Feb. 14th. A real bummer to be honest. I hope you don’t give up on finding someone. I’m sure she is out there somewhere looking for you too.
Thanks for the kind words– I hope you’re right. And hugs to you, I know this has got to be a tough time for you. (((((HUGS))))
Don’t give up. Stay optimistic. One of these days, your and your fated one’s eyes will meet and Boom, fireworks. You can take that to the bank.
Cheers!
Hahaha, perhaps I need to change to your bank! Thanks for the kind words, I hope you’re right 🙂
Ben, I hate to read this…especially so long after it was written. You have to hold on to hope, because it keeps the door of possibility open. Oh, and by the way…after six years of hell, I want nothing more than to NOT be in a relationship, so there you go. Way too much for me. I don’t care if I am alone forever. Try to remember, it’s all in your perspective. You are such a great guy, when you do find the girl, (and you will), what a lucky girl she’ll be.
Thanks for the kind words Courtney! It’s been a real pleasure reading you lately, there’s a “glow” about you that comes through in your writing that is so good to hear about. I hope to get into the same headspace as you sometime in the near future, but I think it’ll be a while.
I’ve held a door to hope open for so so long with nothing walking through that it’s become an emotional drain. I think it’s better just to close that door and not worry about it. Being alone is my reality whether I want it or not, so I’m taking my wants out of the equation and just be. I’m lucky to be able to spend some precious time each week with my two sweet children, and their love helps carry me through the rest of the lonely time.