Cockblocking Hand of Fate

I’m pretty sure I’ve written here before how having children so dramatically changes your perspective, not least of which has to do with regrets you may have had in life.  The steps you took in life, even the steps you may have regretted, ultimately led you to the path that brought your children into your life… and every day I see these wonderful little souls, these amazing lives that are growing and becoming more and more independent and curious, with dreams and hopes for their futures, I realize that even a slight deviation in my path to them might have prevented them from even existing.  It takes my breath away when I think back and contemplate how easy it could have been to take a different path, and so how can I regret the things I used to think of as mistakes and lost opportunities if they ultimately led me to these beautiful kids?

In the universe of previously-regrettable moments, there are two that are tied to one particular individual, an old friend I’ll call Mike.  Mike and I knew each other for years, but got quite close in high school and our early college years.  We had similar interests in nerdy stuff, were both smart and creative, and both rather big guys.  But while I tended to be more shy and introspective, Mike was outgoing and boisterous, which of course let him be much more successful with girls than I.

At one point in high school I went over to the house of a different friend of mine and met his sister for the first time, and I totally flipped for her.  I don’t even remember what I had gone over there for, all I recall was that his sister and I hit it off like long-lost soulmates.  We had a ton in common, we had a similar dark sense of humor and constantly laughed at each other.  While I tended to get extremely bashful around girls, something about her put me totally at ease, we kept constant eye contact, shared smiles, and by the time I had to leave she gave me a wonderfully long, lingering hug.  She was tall, long dark hair, a dazzling smile… I never wanted to let go.

I remember driving away in a daze, totally smitten… and in a quandry.  This was my friend’s sister!  In my circle of friends there were sisters who had gotten involved with friends and it usually didn’t end so well, and it tended to muck up the friend dynamic, often evoking the “protective big brother” response, which trumps friendship every time.

But… but… she was perfect!

I worried, and worried and worried about the situation… what her brother would say about it, and of course began to wonder if perhaps I was overreacting.  Being the hopeless romantic that I was, when I fell for someone I fell hard, but how was I to know if it wasn’t one-sided?  Her brother was my friend so I had her home number, I could call– but what if her brother answered?  Should I go by there to talk to her, or track her down at school?

I stressed myself over the situation for a few days, and then one day her brother came up to me at school and said that his sister really liked me and that I ought to call her.  I was blown away!  She liked me… and her brother was telling me to call her?  What a stroke of luck!

So I called and we talked on the phone.  And I found out where her locker was at school and would drop her notes, and she’d drop me notes in my locker.  I was just starting to muster up the courage to ask her out on an actual date, when she brought up a party she’d heard about from her brother, and asked if I’d be going?  Since it was a party at another friend’s house I knew about it and had already planned on being there, so I told her yes, and she excitedly told me she couldn’t wait to see me there.

I thought to myself that this would be perfect!  I hadn’t really gone on many dates at that point in time, and the few that I’d gone on had made me incredibly nervous and worried I’d screw things up.  This would be a party with a lot of people around, and there would be beer there so I could have a few to calm me down.

The day of the party I went over there early to help set everything up, and ended up drinking a lot of beer.  It was hot and I was thirsty, but I was also worried and nervous and didn’t have much appetite, so I drank a lot of beer on an empty stomach.  At some point early in the evening, before my girl even arrived, I sat down in an easy chair and passed out.

I woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover and was all confused.  Why hadn’t anyone woke me up?  What the hell had happened?  Had my girl came by and seen me like that?  Of course, many other folks who stayed over had gotten pretty drunk too so figuring things out took some time, but eventually I pieced together that, yes, several people — including my girl — had tried to wake me up and while they could get me to stir and say a few words, I pretty much would just fall right back asleep.  And I was horrified to learn that, since my girl wasn’t really able to hang out with me as planned… my friend Mike had swooped in and stuck to her like glue the rest of the night.  In fact, they’d ended up making out and he’d taken her home… and within the week they had become an item.

I was devastated, especially since Mike had known how I felt about her.  They got serious and dated hot and heavy for about six or seven months, and all the while I was just sick to my stomach.  Not just because of feeling like I’d been betrayed by a friend, but because I’d given him that opportunity by being such a nervous dumbass and gotten so drunk and blown the opportunity to get to know her better.  I certainly couldn’t blame her for moving on.

Eventually there high school romance blew up and things ended messily.  I’d stayed friends with her and after the breakup I tentatively approached her and apologized for my behavior at the party and asked if I could have another chance.  She turned me down, saying that the breakup with Mike had left a bad taste in her mouth and she didn’t want to worry about dating or boys for a while.  We stayed friends, but I had been firmly placed in The Friend Zone and for years and years I regretted my mistake and allowing Mike that opening that shut the door between me and her.

But now… I think back to that time and I wonder.  Yes, if I’d stayed at least mostly sober there’s a pretty good chance I could have enjoyed the company of a really cool girl, and maybe it would have been me that had made out with her, taken her home, and gotten serious with for months.  But man, I was really smitten with her, and what if it had developed into something more?  There are more than a few Facebook friends from high school that I’ve learned ended up marrying their high school sweethearts.  That certainly could have led me down a dramatically different path.

Flash forward a couple years and I’m in college, along with my friend Mike.  I’d screwed up my full scholarship by blowing my grades my freshman year, so now I was back home and commuting to school instead of living on campus.  One day I go over to the Student Commons to meet Mike, who’s gotten to know some other fellow commuters who like to play Spades, Hearts and other card games between classes.  He’s told me about this really cool girl he’s gotten to know and I’m curious to meet her.  He introduces us… and I flip.

She’s awesome.  We have this immediate chemistry and hit it off right away.  I think it must be pretty obvious because Mike soon drags me away, and proceeds to talk about her to me for next several hours.  It’s obvious he really likes her, and he says she digs him too… which then has me starting to doubt myself, and how it seemed that we had connected.  Plus, he’s a friend, and while he didn’t exactly respect “the guy code” in the example above, I’m not one to poach girls that my friends are interested in.  So I keep her at arm’s length, even though I’m drawn to her whenever I see her.

Mike and her never seem to develop any sort of relationship… and then suddenly she’s dating this other guy, and they get really serious for several years.  Eventually she and her man break up, and after a while we’re drawn to each other once again.  Come to find out that she always wondered why I never asked her out back when we first met, despite her throwing all the signals at me that she was interested.  I told her about Mike and “the guy code” and she laughs and says that she was never interested in Mike and since she thought I wasn’t interested in her either she moved on to other pastures.

We try dating and are on and off quite a bit over many years… and eventually we end up getting married.  I used to regret honoring “the guy code” and just going with what felt right, and wondered about the years lost that we might have had together… but you know what?  If we’d gone down that path, perhaps things wouldn’t have lasted.  Maybe we weren’t ready for each other then.  Maybe we would have broken up… but instead we got together years later and had these two wonderful children.  How can I regret the choices and circumstances on the path that led them to me?

I used to harbor just a small bit of ill-will towards Mike for opportunities lost with these two women due to his cockblocking, but now… now I see him as just another part of path that led me to these kids.

Of course, since my children have come into my life, I have certainly accumulated a whole host of mistakes and choices I’ve made and things that have happened to me that, yes, I tend to regret (the marriage failing being one)… but the lesson my children give me is that perhaps this road I’m on, the mistakes I’ve made and the things that have happened to me might just be the right ones that will lead me to someone special, someone whom I might not have met otherwise.