While reading various blogs about singledom and dating, I often run across these “non-negotiables” lists. The bloggers draw out these lines in the sand, and if someone fails to stay within the lines, they are not worth dating or loving.
Really?
My friend Courtney wrote an awesome guest blog on Simply Solo called When He Cheats, about finding the strength to forgive. In reading the comments, quite a few people said, more or less, “I would never be able to forgive, I’d never be able to trust him again.”
Seriously?
I have to admit I find this sort of rigidity perplexing. Yes, I understand having a mental list of what you want in a mate– after all, my blog is called My Ideal Woman, so I’m familiar with the concept! But I think too many people get what they want in a mate confused with what they need. Sure, I could picture what I may want my ideal woman to look like physically, and I could even sketch out a laundry list of personality traits that would indicate we’d be perfect soul mates. I’ve written a ton of blog posts doing just that. But honestly now, those are just wants. They are hardly non-negotiables. What people need are the big ticket items: someone you love and who loves you, someone who’s relatively sane, someone who’s not wanted by the law. Things like that.
Cheating is obviously a much bigger deal than how she runs her fingers down your arm or how she fills out her sweater. Trust definitely toes the line of what is needed in your mate… but trust is a complicated thing. Trust is something you need to have with your partner long-term, but having trust betrayed in and of itself shouldn’t be the death knell. The reasons behind that betrayal are what need to be examined. What are the issues there? What is the root cause? Most people aren’t just inherently trust-breakers. We’re human beings, we make mistakes… but our humanity comes from learning from our mistakes and being able to forgive. If you can’t learn from your mistakes, and learn to be a better person, then there’s a bigger issue than just the trust you broke. But at the same time, if you are so rigid that you can’t bring yourself to even consider forgiveness… there’s a bigger issue on your side of the equation.
I’m thankful that cheating didn’t come into play while I was married. For us, the big issue was loss of love. I imagine having trust shattered and having to deal with that emotionally must be incredibly difficult… so those who manage to push through it and forgive, whether or not they continue that relationship, those people have really shown the strength and courage of their humanity. Stories like Courtney’s are inspiring.
I think when you draw boundaries and lines in the sand, you’re really limiting yourself to what the universe has in store for you. How do you know that person you bump into, who might look or act outside of what you normally find attractive or desirable, might not end up being the best thing that ever happened to you? I’ve dated some women who would probably be considered outside of what others would consider classically good-looking, but you know what? Each of them were stunningly beautiful, inside and out, and I thank God I got to know them and share their life for a while.
I run across these non-negotiable lists, and read about people who are angry and unwilling to forgive, and… it just makes me sad. What sort of box are you building for yourself there? What are you cutting yourself off from? What are you missing out on?
My ideal woman… she could be anywhere. She could be anyone. Right in front of me… right over my shoulder. She could be right around that corner. She’s going to be flawed, human… but beautiful because of her flaws and lovely in her humanity. She’s not going to be perfect… but she’ll be perfect for me.
What do you think? Did you find true love sticking to a list? Did you keep love by being unforgiving? Am I being silly or unrealistic?
Great post. You never know if you limit yourself until the lines are squishing you in tightly and you can’t get out.
Thanks, Kate!! …I realize ofc that I just may change my tune once I start dating again LOL!! 😉
LOL true, and that is very much your perogative.
Great post. I think you’re right on and i will do my best to learn something from this. We had a breach of trust about a year ago and I have trouble letting go of it completely because I never really got to have it explained to me–what were the motivations behind it? Mostly what I got was minimizing. That’s not very satisfying. I know what happened, and I want to know why. Is that too much to ask? When I bring it up he clams up and then I feel like a witch for beating him over the head with something that happened a year ago. But I feel like I never got closure because I never knew why it happened and how do I know it won’t happen again–just because you say so? I need more than that. Y’know? Am I off base here?
Thanks Molly– I love it when you comment 🙂
I don’t think you’re off base. You’re obviously being flexible and forgiving for not having slammed the door closed a year ago. I know it’s probably very difficult for him to open up about whatever the mistake was, but I can’t see how he can make sure he learns from it unless he really examines the why, and he’s certainly not being fair to you and what you need for closure.
As a man, I know it’s particularly hard to admit to your failings because there’s so much pressure to succeed, but nothing worth knowing comes easy. There’s a hard lesson there for him that will make him a better man for learning it, and simultaneously provide the woman who loves him the understanding to move past it. It’s certainly overdue Molly– you have been more than patient!
A great story about “laundry lists”. My friend made a list of everything she wanted in a woman. Trouble is “be a woman” wasn’t on the list! She has been married to a wonderful guy almost 10 years now 🙂
Hahaha, that’s awesome! She obviously didn’t let herself get boxed by her expectations 😉
Ok, so I am beyond flattered, first of all. Thank you so much for writing this! I got to see a whole bunch of valid stuff I never even thought about, a lot of stuff I thought about but didn’t add, and a lot of stuff that gave me a different perspective. Wow. And also, I really appreciate that you mention forgiveness being not weak, but strong. Because that is the thing I struggled with most of all, that I was weak for forgiving.
Great post, Ben! Awesome!
Thanks for inspiring me Courtney, and I’m glad you liked it!!
One topic I’ve been chewing over lately has been “non-negotiables” but then when I read your great post over on Simply Solo and some of the comments there, something clicked between what they were saying and what I was thinking. Wouldn’t have happened without you 🙂
I agree with a lot of what you are saying, and I certainly can appreciate your point of view. I do think that it’s easy to sit on either side of the fence about cheating if you have never had it done to you. It’s all well and good to say that you would never take someone back who cheated or that anyone who feels that way is close-minded and the one with the “bigger issue.” Sometimes a relationship is worth digging into, finding out the reasons for infidelity, and working through them. But it is a long and extremely painful process that saps the energy out of you in a way I can’t even begin to describe. I wouldn’t fault anyone for making the decision to walk away from the cheater and all of the other baggage and hurt that goes with it. I can also sympathize with someone who can’t find a way to let it go.
I also know that the decision to continue on in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful is agonizing. Contrary to what some people seem to believe it is not easy or weak at all. It actually takes a lot of soul-searching and sleepless nights and second-guessing. Just the act of being cheated on and knowing without the definitive proof (there really is some sort of instinct at play) makes you feel insane. Fully trusting someone with all of your heart while some primal part of you is screaming that something is wrong is a feeling that defies description. Then that moment when your worst fear is confirmed is devastating and full of relief at the same time.
There is a certain amount of power and adrenaline that you feel when you can finally confront him with hard evidence. When I finally found out the extent of things and had proof that he could not deny it was a very emotionally charged moment for both of us. I had always thought cheating (and abuse) were two things I wouldn’t stand for in a relationship and that anyone who did that to me would be erased from my life, period. At first I felt self-justified and authoritative – I was taking back my sanity and putting my foot down about what I deserve as a woman. I didn’t want to hear his excuses or apologies, even if they seemed sincere.
Eventually the rage died down and the sadness and loss of all the great things about the relationship (and him) started to bring another wave of doubt. Was I really doing myself justice to throw away years of my life and my marriage without even giving it a second thought? It was not easy and it was not done overnight or without much strife and fear and crying, but I discovered that I was willing to put in the effort to try and forgive if he was willing to make some serious changes.
Ultimately we are stronger now. I personally learned not to accept words when the actions don’t seem to match, to trust my instinct, and that sometimes small shifts in communication and patterns of behavior can make an unbelievable difference in a relationship. Both he and I (individually and as a couple) went to therapy to deal with the underlying issues, heal, and learn how to move forward.
It is still an ongoing process, although our relationship is so much happier and more fulfilling than I would have ever thought was possible in the weeks and months after the revelation. We are both constantly working to build the trust back up and it is working. But there is a certain loss of that unquestioning, naive conviction that he would be faithful and honor, love and respect me until death. No matter how much I believe he wouldn’t hurt me again and no matter how much I see him grow and keep making the right decisions there will always be a part of me that is subconsciously shielding my heart against all of that intense pain and betrayal.
Every word, so true. Good luck to you, I’m glad I’m not alone…no one talks about this stuff!
I know what you mean. And people definitely should talk about it. Somewhere along the way it became more shameful to be cheated on than to actually cheat. Strange world!
That was one of the other hardest things for me- the inability to talk about it with anyone, which is so out of character for me. The shame of it all was crippling.
I know we are both not in the thick of things anymore, but iit is good to have support. It is hard to talk about it with certain friends or family because they either want to give you unsolicited advice or you are worried about the long-term affects (like your Thanksgiving comment).
You said it perfectly! My mom wrote on FB in response to this post-“Good one. No turkey.”
I hope she was kidding…
Hahaha! The hazards of a non-anonymous blog 😉
No kidding…she was just starting to like him finally, too. Four years of hard work, down the drain. Not like she hasn’t dated some winners, just sayin’…
Thanks for sharing another inspiring story Stephanie, and I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Kudos to you for the strength and courage to work through it!
There are variables and things people will accept (or not) from others. It, to me, depends on the level of connection and willingness of people to be committed to one another.
As to cheating, I’m not forgiving… I do know that if I were to want to cheat, something, a need… I have within the relationship is not being met, I’d better figure out what that is and express it to my partner …
Then of course, there are those who simply cheat because they can.
yeah, the people who cheat because they can are certainly not worth forgiveness!
Forgiveness, and it took me a very long time to absorb this, is for US … so we don’t carry around that anger at them. They need something we can’t give and we can’t be all things to all people and people are responsible for their actions too…
I have been cheated on before. I have also dated two guys back to back who conceived a baby(with someone else) when we first started dating. I have also had a man walk out on me the minute he found out I was pregnant. All three I have forgiven but eventually decided to take a hike. The first one we speak here and there. The second one we are friends and plan on maybe even reconciling one day when there isn’t so much distance between us and my child’s father has since returned and is in the picture when he can be and is a good father. However, you couldn’t pay me to be with him or associate with him outside of dealing with our child. I am far from perfect but I have chosen to forgive them all mainly due to my Christian standpoint on things. We all make mistakes and if I can be forgiven why can’t they. I don’t think that forgiving means that we had to reconcile or even speak, but that’s justhow things played out.
Hi Keesh, thanks for sharing your thoughts, and kudos to you for showing the strength to forgive!