Not long ago I wrote about eliminating light from my bedroom so that I can sleep in total darkness, and the hopes that I would reap some of the alleged benefits from sleeping that way. Almost immediately I could tell a difference in how deep I slept. It’s kinda hard to explain, but sleeping this way now lets me know by contrast just how light I was sleeping before, drifting in and out of sleep, getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom once or twice a night, tossing and turning. Now, a few minutes after I turn out the lights I’m gone, like dropping into a deep dark hole for solid hours and hours. When I wake up in the morning I’m in a bit of a daze because I’m climbing out of a deep sleep without the benefit of sunlight, but once I turn on the lights and get moving, I know– I’ve been ASLEEP! And I feel recharged!
And the dreams! I’m not sure if sleeping this way lets me dream more vividly, or if I’m just dreaming in a deep slumber right up until waking now as opposed to shifting from deep to light sleep before waking, or maybe some combination of them both, but I’m loving it. I’ve always had vivid dreams that I remember here and there in the past, but now it feels like just about every morning I awake with at least a good chunk of a dream remembered, letting me reflect on it in the shower and on the drive into work.
Last night’s dream was nice, starring my ex but it was like traveling through time back to when we first met 20-some years ago– the “happy days.” Thinking back on the dream this morning was funny, how young we both were in the dream–just kids really–crazy about each other. And it got me thinking… Sometimes now and then as I ponder the long, slow wreckage of our marriage, I question whether she ever really, truly loved me, or whether she was in love with the idea of being in love with me… or maybe was just settling on me as a safe and steady choice. And the thought of not ever really having someone head over heels in love with me… made the romantic soul in me very sad.
But the dream… I know it was just a dream, but it felt very real as opposed to accurate, and the emotions and things that happened in the dream captured the spirit of the our situation all those years ago. No, it wasn’t perfect, and it certainly didn’t end the way one would have hoped… but the dream reminded me, deep in my gut, that for a while there… she really did love me, head over heels. Which makes me glad.
Funny how the brain works when you let it…