I’ve talked to a few people over the recent months about online dating, and while I’m not quite ready to jump into those waters, I have gone online and checked out various sites to see what they’re like (or at least as much as you can without subscribing, which is not much actually). I’ve set up profiles on Chemistry, Date.com, Match.com and BeNaughty (just for kicks). All of them have similarities, and it’s fun to browse and see what people are looking for in their potential dating partners. It’s also fun to see how many people out there have just awful grammar!
I have to admit Chemistry has sucked me in the most; even as a non-subscriber, you still get the feel that the service is trying to line you up with people who match well with what you’re looking for. Unfortunately for me you can’t actually interact with these folks unless you pay up, which obviously makes sense if your a business. Occasionally they give you “free subscriber” status for a half day, sometimes for the weekend, and I’ve actually been able to read a couple emails that paid subscribers sent me. I tried to be slick and answer them, giving them my email address but when I got a similar email from someone who was also taking advantage of the “free subscriber” status, I saw that Chemistry strips away email addresses mentioned in their internal email exchange. Sucks for me, but again– makes sense for Chemistry to do this. They’ve got a smart set up, sucking me in and corralling me towards paying for a subscription despite my best efforts to cheat the system.
I’m not yet ready to pull the trigger on paying for an online dating service, but if/when I do Chemistry is probably what I’ll try first. The couple who’s wedding I went to last month? They met on Chemistry last year. Worked for them!
I thought it might be fun to share some of my profile stuff here with you all.
First off, they have you answer this questionnaire to set up your “personality profile” based on someone named Dr. Fisher’s research.
My answers indicated that I am an EXPLORER.
- Explorers love novelty, excitement and adventure.
- Explorers are also very curious, creative, and sometimes extravagant.
Hm, okay. Sounds about right.
Then you come up with a one line blurb about yourself that people can see when they are browsing through lists of potential connections. I wrote “a hopeless romantic and eternal optimist.”
There’s a place where you answer a bunch of stats about yourself– your age, your height, your body type, hair color, eye color, ethnicity, living situation (alone, roommate, kids), single/separated/divorced, children, education, occupation, yearly income range, religious affiliation, political outlook, smokes, drinks. I was honest with all these questions… I mean, if the goal is to eventually meet someone through this site, why lie in the beginning or omit stuff and potentially waste people’s time?
Then you get to use the same list of stats but narrow them down in what you want in a potential partner. They also ask how far away you’d be willing to travel to meet matches. I told them I’d want to remain in the state.
There’s a place where you get to write a bit about yourself and what you’re looking for. If you’ve read my blog then you know that I often find something to love about all sorts of women, so I pretty much left all these choices wide open. The one exception was age– while I’m very young at heart, I don’t really think I want to be dating someone who’s 19 or 20. I did set the floor at 27 because I know some women at that age who are quite self-assured and mature and I wouldn’t want Chemistry to fail to connect me with someone who is a great match in every other way.
Last but not least, Chemistry gives you an “In your own words” section where you get to talk more about yourself and what you’re looking for. I viewed it as a way to “close the deal” once your potential matches have viewed your basic stats. Here’s what I wrote below:
I’m a writer, a dad, a hopeless romantic, an eternal optimist and a bleeding heart liberal. I look for the best in people and try to win over cynics.
My Motto?
LOVE DEEPLY
BE KIND
DO GOODLife’s too short to spend it alone! Looking for a creative, fun, and loving woman who is quick to laugh, enjoys listening to music, watching movies, and getting caught up in great TV shows. She’ll appreciate romantic gestures, enjoy holding hands and public displays of affection. She’ll be up for spontaneous drives down beautiful roads to nowhere in particular, singing out loud to favorite songs, and going down to the river to get our feet wet. I want someone who will surprise me and enjoy being surprised by me.
I’m a recently divorced father of two awesome children, a girl and a boy; my kids live with their mom but I get them every other weekend and see them some during the week. I love pets but am too busy to take care of one currently even though my kids want me to get some. I work too much but am trying to change that, and hope to find someone to stop and smell the roses with. I’ve got a good stable job I’ve been with for 11 years and love the company, but deep down I want to make a living as a writer– I make a little money writing now, but someday I’d like it to be my primary career.
I also write a really great blog, so let me know if you’d like to read it and I can point you to it!
Heh, you know I had to give the blog a shout-out! Unfortunately, Chemistry prohibits me putting an actual link to the blog there… If you’ve read my About page then you probably recognize a lot of this.
Anyway, once you do all this, Chemistry gives you a list of matches. Each listing gives a first name, the “profile” type, and their blurb. You can then click on it to check out more.
On their profile page you get to see her name, age, city and state, and picture(s). You get to read what she looks like (hair/eye color, height, body type, age, ethnicity), and who she is (all the other stats). And then you get to see “what she’s looking for” and Chemistry gives a little check mark next to whether you match what she’s looking for.
There are a couple things I look for right away to see whether or not I should go any further. If she’s selected a body type that excludes me (“heavyset”) then I just move on. I know for some being overweight is a deal-breaker, and even though I am working on losing weight and improving myself, I certainly don’t want to waste anyone’s time there. Personally, I’d love to find a partner who would help and encourage me on my path towards a slimmer and healthier body, but for some they want that instant physical attraction and I likely won’t provide that. Also, if I don’t match their desired ethnic background (me being White/Caucasian) then I move on too.
I also look at a the combination of Religious affiliation and Political outlook. If it’s Christian and Conservative I move on. If it’s Christian and Liberal, I’m fine. If it’s Not Affiliated/Agnostic/Spiritual and Conservative then I’m skeptical but not it’s not a deal-breaker. But it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be able to get along with someone who’s Christian and Conservative for any length of time even if we connect on a lot of other levels. I’m liberal and at 45 I don’t want to waste my time there.
If you like these folks, we probably won’t get along
Lastly, I look a bit at the income level. I make decent money, and though I’m far from a classist, I would prefer a woman who’s independent and can take care of herself. My reality is such that I work a lot and a fair amount of my income goes towards supporting my children. While I would have a little bit of money to spend on dating someone special, I’m not in any position to support someone else and I don’t want to be with someone who might get angry that I’m not spending as much money on her as I do on my kids. I’m a dad, my kids come first. While income level isn’t a deal breaker, it certainly raises a slight red flag with me as I look at what else she’s got going on.
Anyway, if any of those quick checks fail, I click “not really” and move on to the next profile. If not I go ahead and read the “in her own words” section to see if she can close the deal. If the grammar is good and she makes me smile, or paints a picture of a sweet woman that I think might enjoy my company, then I’ll click “I’m interested.” This puts me in a queue on her match list called “interested in you” and then she gets to check me out and if she’s interested too then Chemistry lets her send an internal email to me. At that point nothing further can happen unless you pay…
So anyway, that’s my limited experience so far with the online dating services. I’m curious what your experiences might have been? What sites do you like or dislike? What do you think of my “in your own words” section? Any suggestions for punching it up, making it more enticing (without being dishonest)?
I meet Cord through the internet but not a dating site. There was instant chemistry. We had this ease of conversation going back and forth. If you find yourself checking your email 50 times a day for their letters, if you find yourself nodding along with their words and you can’t resist replying at 2am, you have chemistry and the great thing about it….it’s mental. The best kind.
Thanks for sharing, Kate! Sounds like you and Cord likely met online somewhere you could more freely interact– the online dating thing has a lot of hurdles you have to jump through before you can converse like that… I imagine to protect their business model and to provide some protection from stalkers and such. I have to admit one goal of this very blog is to make connections with great people I wouldn’t have otherwise (such as yourself) and maybe one day someone will spark that chemistry you and Cord found! Who knows? Being single in the 2010s is certainly a lot different than it was back in the 1990s…
That’s true Ben, it was a discussion group so there was more flexibility and the chance to really get to know someone.
i did some online dating way back when — you used to be able to get away with sharing emails/websites by eliminating the “@”. “www”, and “.com”. for example: contact me at livloveblog at G mail OR dot com. smart people should figure it out — unless dating sites have gotten better at spotting this type of thing…
Thanks for the tip, I’ll have to give that a try during the next free trial period
Here is my 2 cents Bennie,
Don’t worry about the ideal match they have selected. You are online to meet people and that is the bottum line. I over thought as well at first, but just give some effort and you don’t know what you will find. Being thoughtful with internet dating is not the right way to go. I would compare it to being in a bar and not going to speak to someone you find interesting, instead standing around and not talking to any potential matches. With online dating you have to be just as aggressive and assertive as you are out and about. There is nothing wrong with adding to friends.
As great of a person as you are the number one thing I have found is activities. People want to do things, so focus on what you like to do when you are out and about even if it is only a couple times a year. The more you do the more they will find out about you the person. There is still this aura of disbelief with the internet dating, the more time you have to do things with someone the more they will pay attention. Use some humor or sarcasm. Avoid the sexual joking, as a nice guy just stick to good humor there is time for that later. Most that I meet tell me that is what they get the most and they even play along with a message but change the subject so you the person gets through.
Avoid dinner dates. I am respectful, polite, genuine, and I listen. Those are great for being with someone, but horrid for a first impression. It cost way too much as well. You can find lots of people to accept, but typically you are second or lower on the list. After they ignore you for a few months they might actually call you back after six months for being so nice. Mistake I made in 2008. The other problem is it takes you out of life’s daily routines. Don’t make exceptions, pick a day of the week you have free and only meet on that day.
I did some internet dating in 2007-2008. Had dates every night of the week. Spent allot of money. Got me out of my routine and I gained weight and the dates fizzled allot more than they clicked. No not with that many different people either, more like one or at most 3 at a time. I did not find women I was really that attracted to, but they had allot going for them. Just started online again two weeks ago. I have met more people out in the last couple months, however I was online one hour before one person picked me up and found a dancing partner as well in the first two hours. I got brave and messaged about 5-10 people got no response. So hit or miss. Relaxed a day or two and couple messaged me and I messaged a couple. Some communication dies off. Some put you on hold or you them. A couple you will meet. In two weeks I think my message response is about 1 and 4 to sent.
Match.com probably has the most people, but you also have smaller margin of error with communication. Most people use their phones these days so messages are more compact, so are responses. Not ideal for people who like to and are good at communicating. However it is ideal for picking people out and getting to read profiles so you can be selective. Match does have a new feature which is an event during the week, people meet at a bar.
Chemistry is similar to Eharmony. There is a larger window for sending a good message and a process for introduction. I am not sure about Chemistry but Eharmony picking people is out and they introduce you to them. Picking is something I like, but you do meet some quality people on the site. The dating process is slower but also more expensive. Stick with activities and at most a lunch date. You might have to date people up to 45 minutes to two hours away. That is what I found on 6 month subscription back in 2007-2008.
Some may consider my approach as cheap, but I like date nights once a week when in a relationship. I have just learned it is better not to spend meeting people and save that for when you get to know and are dating.
I would recommend Plenty of Fish as well. This is a free local site. The people range from wild to a few good ones. You will find many people on multiple sites, but don’t worry about that. My preference is Plenty of Fish and Match. Sounds like you like Chemistry (which is from Match). Do Plenty of Fish as well. Try that now and see if you like picking people.
Finally now that I am talking you to death. Remember the once a week rule. This limits your communication to one person more often than not. You have to select one for date or meeting. Gives you some time to communicate and see if they communicate with you. Should this move forward great, should there be a break you have time to meet another person. Don’t let dating overwhelm your life. Be active and meet your weekly goals for yourself, and then slowly bring along people into your life.
On Plenty of Fish I was drinking one night and noticed a lady within a mile of me. I messaged we should hang out and be friends. There was more to it than that, but it was not my best message. She has a great job, works with a friend, works out at the same gym as I do, and lives local. I have invited a couple to cornhole and some other events. Just enjoy meeting people and let the dating come along.
Now that is a boring message. Enjoy and see what you find.
Mac
Thanks for the great tips, Mac– I really appreciate it! I’m curious if you subscribe to more than one service at a time, or do you just rotate around and try different ones, say subscribe to one for three months then move on and try another service.
I didn’t know there was a free one, I’ll have to check out Plenty of Fish.
One other thing, age. I picked 27-42. I am 37. I have messaged a couple of 27 year old as in 2. Essentially I stick with 31 and up.
Yeah, I can’t imagine I’d ever really connect with someone who wasn’t at least in her 30s, but who knows? My friend who’s a couple years older than me recently married a woman in her late 20s.
I only subscribed to one which was match.com. However I am on Plenty of Fish.com as well and that is free. Not really using plenty of fish b/c I am too busy but did meet one person from there so far and she is a good person. In 2007-2008 I did Eharmony then I did Match. I found it too much to do 2 at a time, but the free one is good so use it to test the waters. Quality is rare but you can find it.
Great post and I like your profile.
I hate online dating and I love online dating. I really, really do dislike it. But even so, I have met lots of new friends, fell in love a few time times and had the chance to meet all kinds of men that I would never even cross paths with in the real world. Overall, glad I took the plunge last year but honestly not looking forward to the day I go back. Would I recommend that someone wanting to date should get online – hell ya, its the way to meet people now a days. Just don’t go in with grand expectations beyond meeting a new friend and being blown away by absolute craziness!
Thanks for weighing in, very helpful to hear from those who’ve been there. Yeah, I’m not expecting a whirlwind romance, mainly just want to make connections with new people and hope to make some new friends and develop a much needed new social life. It’s becoming clear that there’s not much to recover from my pre-marriage social life and I need to make a new one from scratch.
Oh, glad you liked my profile!
interesting
Interesting good or “may you live in interesting times” Chinese curse bad?
lol@ chinese curse. Nah.. just plain interesting to see how those things work
[...] cousin was kind enough to chime in on my post earlier about online dating, and I went ahead and set up a profile on Plenty of Fish since it was free and would let me [...]