The other day I was having lunch with my former step-mom, my dad’s second wife (he’s on the third and hopefully his ever-after). She called me up out of the blue some months back after talking about me with her niece– who happens to be married to my ex-wife’s brother. Despite a population of around 1.3 million, the Richmond metropolitan area is still very much a small town. I just love bumping into people who share various connections, and each year I meet more and more– which makes sense of course as you accumulate friends and acquaintances over time. Back when I first started dating my ex, my dad was married to his second wife, and my ex’s brother had married my step-mom’s niece a few years prior, and we used to joke that when we got married we’d be step-cousins-in-law. Unfortunately, by the time we got around to marrying almost 10 years later, my dad and step-mom had split, so we were never able to officially claim that funky tangled relationship status.
Anyway, we were catching up and she was telling me about her daughters, my former step-sisters. One of them is recently going through getting a divorce and my heart goes out to her since I know how rough it is. My step-mom then tells me she’s in a new relationship that’s a bit complicated and I’ve got two reactions.
The first is like, in a new relationship already? It seems incredibly soon and with enough complications in life already, adding more complications seems a bit nuts to me.
But on the other hand, I can understand that loneliness sucks, and when life is shit the urge to have someone to hold and provide physical comfort can be overwhelming. Who are we to judge someone for needing that and seeking it out?
A week or so later I’m having a conversation with the woman I mentioned in An Awesome Wedding. While talking about online dating she brings up an interesting point– even though she’s content with her own company, she feels that there are things in life you can only learn by sharing it with someone. Later, thinking about the conversation, I’m struck by the contrast with the conversation about my former step-sister. For some people, it’s like companionship is a need, something that’s required to fill a hole or paper over pain. For others, like my new friend from the wedding, companionship is a want, something to enhance an already satisfying life.
If we take a look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, for this thought exercise I’d say the lower down the pyramid things are, the more something is a need rather than a want. That bottom level is pretty basic needs we all require. That next level up are pretty fundamentally important too… and for some people I suppose they look to companionship to provide some or all of those things — security, stability, freedom from fear. For those folks, companionship is pretty close to being a need.
At the top of the pyramid is where companionship becomes much more of a want, a way to enhance life, to increase fulfillment. You’ve already got the physiological needs covered, you’ve got safety covered, you’ve got a sense of belonging from friends and family, and you’ve achieved success and recognition.
It’s pretty clear that, after more than two years since my marriage ended, I must be in the camp where companionship is a want, not a need. Sure, sometimes loneliness gets to me and I’ve got to beat back the sadness, but ultimately I, too, feel content with my own company.
I’m curious if people can be compatible if they’re on different levels on the want/need scale. My hunch is that it can make things precarious if one partner needs the relationship more than wants it, or vice versa. Also, I wonder how the intensity and quality of the relationship is impacted by where you and your partner fall on the spectrum?
Thoughts?
With an ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend (I suppose ex-sociopath would be better for the latter) I find that a relationship would be a want rather than a need. I no longer WANT anyone as that causes too much hurt and pain, so as a result, I also no longer NEED anyone.
The sociopath NEEDed someone as she wouldn’t clean the house for herself or cook.
Yikes! Sounds like a cooling off period would do you some good
I’m at the point where a relationship is a want, but I think I know why. I’m unusually happy with just about everything else in my life. That soothes me enough that I can take the long view and realize that I can live on my own, do my thing and that’s okay.
If I were to describe it as a need, I’d have to phrase it as needing the right relationship. I’ve a number of ex’s myself, including an ex-husband and an ex-fiance, and I’ve learned that the wrong relationship is *not* better than no relationship at all. So now I’m looking at the big picture. I want a relationship, but only if it’s with the right person. Then I suspect I’ll find it’s a need after all, but only with them.
Maybe you can change the phrase “unusually happy with just about everything else in my life” to “FINALLY happy with just about everything else in my life.” Hoping that it’s a new stage and not just a phase, right?
Anyway, yeah— I think I’m kinda there myself, I’ll be curious to see how it might impact the sort of relationship I’ll eventually find…
Yeah, you caught me. I’m not known for my optimism, but life is really working hard to make me change that.
I’m just still very surprised to find myself happy, something I gave up on finding a long time ago. It’s like trying to find your keys or the remote, it turns up as soon as you give up. *shrugs*
I’d like to think that the attitude we both have can only make things better, because it’s vastly more healthy than the desperation that “need to be in a relationship of some kind” breeds. Certainly it has to lead to better choices.
Hahaha, sorry I can sometimes be insufferably optimistic… but it’s what I use to keep me from becoming a totally sullen and angry man raging against the world
Optimism isn’t a bad thing. It’s just not *my* thing, most of the time. I like it in other people though, because it reminds me that sometimes the best happens instead of the worst.
mb I’ll just try to learn from you instead?
LOL that def sounds like a more pleasant option!
I know this sounds dramatic but I’ll never have another one. He was it. I can’t imagine, however, having said that, I understand why she started something new so soon. I think it’s hard to be a lone. I’m taking the alone time to work on me.
Yeah, I mean I’d have thought she would need some “me time” too– her breakup happened relatively recently, like not even six months back.
Regarding your own situation… I know it’s gotta be hard for you ((((HUGS))) Glad you’re taking some me time
Ohhh first i want to rant about Maslows Hierarchy of Needs, but that would be an essay!!
My thought is a relationship that had one near the top and one near the bottom would be too uneven in power and level of dependency.
As for the former step sister… that’s my ex. And I have had the same two reactions over and over for months now!
I’d love to read your rant if you ever get motivated to write it! Full disclosure– I have zero knowledge of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs, I ran across it while googling for a picture to put in the post (typed in Wants and Needs), and looking at it seemed like it offered some framework for what I was trying to write about. It also seemed vaguely familiar, like maybe I’d caught a little something about it while dozing in college Pysch class
Yeah, I think if the people in a relationship are too far apart that would likely lead to disaster, but it also made me wonder whether having two people in the same level would have its own issues too…
So you’re ex has jumped almost immediately into a complicated relationship? Just seems mindboggling to me too!
While it makes me rant, I will be borrowing it today
I don’t agree with some parts, but agree that it gives a base to make some sense of things.
As for being on the same level…. i was thinking about that when i read your post. It reminds me of the big break-up. We talked about how we didn’t have anything else to give each other and had gotten each other as far as we could. Its true in a way. Maybe we weren’t the right people to take each other to the next level.
As for the ex’s jump – completely mind-boggling for so many reasons.
… as you can see, I don’t understand how it is to need or want, YET. I live by the day, and just hope whatever comes is good.
I think having an optimistic outlook and being open to what life brings you is half the battle, so I’m sure you’ll find a good balance
Very insightful piece! I know that when my ex and I first got together I “needed” the relationship way more than he did. Because of that, I failed to recognize some fairly obvious warning signals and ended up in a very dangerous and unhealthy marriage. Thankfully I got out okay in the end and grew from the experience. A relationship is now a “want” but definitely no longer a “need” which feels healthier to me.
Thanks, I’m glad you liked it, and happy to hear you’re in a healthier place now
Maslow has a point… but sometimes the lines of need and want intersect. Some people do not have the rewarding job, the stable family, and hoards of friends…
It’s true! And I think it’s fascinating to ponder how people coming from different levels of wants/needs can work things out. I hope the next woman in my life is willing to talk honestly and deeply about such things, communication was def not a hallmark of my marriage unfortunately.
Sorry to hear that. Everything has its reasons though. Best of luck in your search. I find honesty to be integral, but people communicate differently and want and need different things, sometimes even with communication there is no bridge long enough to cover the gap, sometimes people keep building the bridge and filling in the gap til it meets somewhere. Depends on the people and the circumstances, but perhaps I am wrong.